Hello. You have reached Dwight K. Schrute. I am not here. Or, your intentions seems suspicious and I wish to review your message in detail before speaking to you. If you would like to ask questions about beets, please press star. This doesn't do anything, but the tone will alert me to the nature of your message.

Yesterday I had a truly unfortunate thing happen. I was running late to work (as REGIONAL MANAGER) at Dunder-Mifflin and made myself a quick sandwich as I was leaving. I FORGOT TO PUT ANYTHING ON THE BREAD!!! Imagine my surprise when I unwrapped from wax paper a sandwich made only of two pieces of bread with a little mayonnaise on it.

I had to borrow (BORROW!) a piece of lettuce from one employee and a soy hot dog from another. I then supplemented my non-sandwich with some marinara sauce (from an un-labeled tupperware container) and salt and pepper and many separate strings from a big string of string cheese which I had left in the fridge from the previous week.

BOTTOM LINE: It was a delicious sandwich.

LIFE LESSON: You CAN make lemonade when life hands you lemons and you CAN make a delicious sandwich from nothing but a friend's food and string cheese.

SIDE BAR: I am looking to start dating again. I ask you, my fans, friends and readers about dating tips and what kind of girl I should seek out. I want good teeth. I want the ability to defend oneself. I want someone insatiable, not for sex but for fun and focus.

My cousin Mose recommends me trying to date someone that can help create connections for my paper sales. Like an office manager at a large office. But a hot office manager who appreciates my intensity.

THAT IS ALL

Dwight Kurt Schrute

"When the fire heats the water to the boiling point,
we have to keep it lighted with the same intensity,
because if we reduce its flame, the water gets cold.
It is not enough to boil the water, we have to keep it
boiling all the time."

- a famous oriental/asian karate proverb

That is my philosophy in a nutshell. And that is why I study KARATE. (pronounced Ka-ra-TE').

I like to keep my water boiling all the time. That is the essence of my male power. And why I'm so good at sales. And why I'm so intense. Also, I study Karate so that I can injure people HARD if they wish me and mine harm. I want to be able to destroy them. I want to be able to kick them in the neck or throat if they come after me. Which is just a matter of time.

It's also good cardio.

Here in town it is -15 degrees and SLEETY. I love sleet. It's so bracing. It's not snow (wimpy) or rain (annoying). It's sleet. It's its own thing. Sleet is the most unappreciated type of weather. This winter, let's all try and have a deeper respect for sleet and what it does and what it is.

Also - think about the way the throat and swallowing works. The epiglottis decides what goes where down the trachea and/or esophagus. But it gets no respect. This tiny flap of skin in your neck decides if something is food or air. The food goes to your tummy. The air goes to your lungs. Without it your epiglottis food would go straight into your lungs and clog them
up. You'd have soup in your lungs. Or a sandwich. Or doritos. Or Fresca. OR you would get air in your tummy and be a big gassy fart bag all the time. All that from the tiny, powerful epiglottis.

In many ways, I am like the epiglotis. Small, unappreciated, not well thought of or respected, but POWERFUL. So powerful that without me you'd have food in your lungs.

Thoughts? Questions?

Today's topic: "What part of the body are YOU most like?" (and don't say the genitals or the butt)

That is all.

Dwight K. Schrute

MY MORNING, by DWIGHT K SCHRUTE

This morning I followed my regular routine:

Woke up at 4:45 AM.

Ate 3 eggs (over hard) with 6 strips of bacon and 10 microwave tater tots (Ore-Ida [which, by the way, stands for Oregon-Idaho]) with one 24 oz cup of black coffee (with milk and sugar).

Defecated.


Then I consulted with Mose via web camera about the affairs of our working 40 acre beet farm, Schrute Farms. Seems Mose had gotten a little behind on our fertilizer payments (idiot! But I love him) and someone (me) had to rectify the situation.

After a half hour workout with my spud gun, crossbow and throwing stars I hit the showers. 2 OZ of Clairol Herbal Essence later, I was ready to rock like a hurricane. (No offense to the
good people of Louisiana and/or Texas. None taken. Good.)

It was then 6:30 AM and Dwight Schrute was ready to head into town and attempt to make Dunder-Mifflin history by being the employee that was earliest to arrive at work EVER!

After completing this, my blog, I am off to the races.


That is a mere glimpse of the morning routine that drives this Schrute to the tippy top of the ladder of success. I hope it inspires.

That is all.

Dwight K. Schrute

GOOD MORNING, DUNDER-NAM!!!!!!

Whoever said that paper is going out of style was WRONG. On principle I do not appreciate this electronic device HOWEVER I will use it.

First of all, everything about having a journal is girly. Which is not something I appreciate no matter what Jim Halpert says. He is secretly a woman anyway.

This is my first entry and I would like to say this publicly:

I hate Salmon. It's so pink. And it smells like fish. Salmon sucks! I hate Salmon. I hope they all die in those rivers.

LISTEN UP, NATION!

We recently had a sexual harassment seminar at our office. It seems that this was the result of some e-mail forwards. Apparently, someone at Dunder-Mifflin forwarded around a short video segment of a horse having sex with a raccoon. Apparently, it was hysterically funny. Apparently, it was the most funniest thing that had ever been forwarded and almost (ALMOST!) everyone laughed until they threw up except for one person who thought it was racially offensive towards women.

So the corporate big-wigs came in with their tomahawks and made us get sexually sensitive toward each other again.

My opinion is this: WHEN THE HORSE FALLS OVER INTO THAT TROUGH AND WATER SPLASHES ONTO THE RACCOON'S LITTLE WHISKERS - THAT IS MOST HYSTERICAL THING EVER SINCE THE VIDEO WHERE THE MONKEY PUTS HIS FINGER IN HIS BUTTOCKS AND SNIFFS IT AND FALLS OUT OF THAT TREE.

THAT IS ALL.

Dwight K. Schrute